So, the next phase of my NSLC journey begins in just a few days. I went back to my old blog and was reading my posts, and they're so incredibly emotional that I just wanted to have them on here so I don't lose them. I've almost lost the feelings I had then, so it was such a nice gift to be able to go back and find them. here are several blog posts from this summer after my Advanced Medicine and Healthcare Conference
August 11, 2010: 2 days after the conference:
Saying goodbye has never been hard for me. It's not that I'm not emotionally attached, just that I've never really been able to comprehend the entirety of what a true goodbye means. I've never had to experience a real goodbye (not with anyone I care that much about anyways).Sure, I've moved away from close friends, but I was little. And I knew I'd see them again. Even at ten years old, I could see the big picture. And it was a good one. Seven years later I still keep in close contact with some friends back home in Cali. But not all situations are as positive as that one....
Monday, August 2nd to Monday, August 9th was one week that I will try as hard as possible not to forget. Already,only a day later, I feel the smallest details of the trip slipping away from my memory. I'm trying to hold on to everything I can, but it's hard. So much happened in that week, and I don't want to forget any of it. Hopefully I can write some of it down here to preserve it til later.
It's is truly awe-inspiring how quickly you get to know people when: A) you're living with them, and B) when you have to get to know them. This week at UChicago forced me to become close with people I otherwise wouldn't, and that has changed my life forever. After spending mere hours with the first guys I met (Matt, Vishal, and Ben), I felt as if I had known them for months. When Kimmy showed up (my bestie from the program last year at Berkeley), I felt as if I had just been reunited with a childhood friend. The process of quickly becoming close with someone is amazing- you have the novelty of a new friend coupled with the comfort of an established relationship. I really feel like none of my NSLC relationships have a beginning, because the spark that initiated our relationship began a year prior when we all attended (different) NSLC Medicine and Healthcare, program 1. Even though we hadn't met, the NSLC bond was strong in all of us. We all understood what experiences the others had the year before that prompted them to come back. We were all passionate about NSLC, becoming a doctor, and meeting new people. So we went, we lived it, and we loved it. The little NSLC bubble we were under catalyzed some breathtaking learning and teaching, and some unbreakable relationships.
But anyways, back to the ends of relationships, not the beginnings. I'm sure you'll all trust me that some amazing friendships were made. I'll probably write about them later. But the feeling of saying goodbye is much more fleeting than the memory of the people themselves, and I want to get this down before I lose it.
three part process: the What I've Discovered Lecture, the sleepover with the girls, and the final goodbye at the airport.
The What I've Discovered morning was by far the most emotional/heartbreaking experience I've ever endured. The stuff our fellow NSLC-ers shared was expected: NSLC had changed them, made them a better person, made them come out of their shell, helped them meet new people, etc. It all went without being said. But we all said it anyways. I felt that we all knew that the act of getting up and sharing in front of everyone was symbolic- it showed our trust in each other, a trust that allowed us to be vulnerable in front of our peers. I still can't get over how many people broke down. There are more dry eyes in a funeral than there were in that room. That was when it really hit me that things were over. I looked around the room and couldn't feel anything but love for anyone. yes, even when Kat ran out of the room and it was really weird. Well, I still fucking hated Andy. But that's to be expected. ANWAYS. I loved everyone else. Even Grace, which is saying something. Emotional moments like that are when your deepest, most raw feelings are exposed, and I was a mess. The end, for all of us, had come far too quickly, and that was the moment we realized it. We clung to each other as if a tight hug could both keep the other from boarding the plane, and convey all the love we felt for each other. At least it accomplished one of the two. As a group, we left the law building teary-eyed, heartbroken, and miserable, but closer as a group. We went straight to the lounge afterwards and voluntarily spent time together as a whole group, for the first time the whole conference. The feeling was indescribable. Filled with energy, love, inside jokes, flirting, and lots of food, the 1st floor TV lounge will forever be immortalized in my head as one of the happiest places in existance.
The sleepover that night was hands down my favorite time of the conference, if not one of the favorite nights of my life. There isn't a singular event that I can pull from that night and go "WOW. That moment defined my NSLC experience" (though shaving Grace's legs was certainly memorable and note-worthy), but the night as a whole was the perfect culmination to the week. Kimmy, Naya, Kirsten, Kaitlin, Brooke, and Grace. It's strange, because you guys (except Kimmy) weren't necessarily the people I was closest to during the conference. But somehow, us seven ended up in room 407 for the night. I have a feeling using the world inexplicable to describe the night is overused, but that really is the most accurate way I can describe it. I can't name hardly anything we talked about, nor what made the night so special. But because of that night I feel a special closeness with each of you. That night opened my eyes to your lives, and just made me wish I knew each of you better. As the night went on, we lost you guys one by one. Kimmy first, then Brooke and Kaitlin in the eeeeeaaaarly hours of the morning. Finally, we dragged my mattress into Naya and Kirsten's room, turned off the light, crawled under the covers, and tried to sleep. Yet none of us could (except Naya). In that moment, I was terrified to sleep. I knew when we woke up, the experience would be over. When we woke up it would be time to leave. So we chose not to wake up. We spent those last, precious hours of the trip laughing, teasing, and learning about each other. Making the most out of those last hours was one of the most satisfying things I did the whole trip. Staying awake all night after a grueling week should have been nearly impossible, but it wasn't. All I wanted to do was learn about Kirsten and Grace. And the more I learned, the more fascinated I was. You two have such unique personalities that I know I'll never find anywhere else. So I observed, absorbed, and enjoyed. Learning about you two was amazing. Throughout the course of a night two amazing people unfolded in front of my eyes. Kirsten, I felt like I had found a kindred spirit, even though we seem very different. And Grace... What do I even say about you? I still can't figure out who the hell you are. Yet I am compelled to make sure you like me and don't forget about me. You called me "Court," and I knew I had to stay friends with you. I'd say more nice things, but I know you're going to read this, and then I could potentially come off SUUUUPER creepy. When morning came around and we went our separate ways to get ready, I felt as if I had acquired two new best friends. You girls are beyond amazing, and I sincerely regret not getting to know you two sooner.
The airport the next morning was a close second for best feeling ever. We came separately, in vans of 3 and 4. We were in different terminals leaving at different times all over the airport. But we all gladly walked the extra mile of airport terminals to say one last goodbye. Kimmy, Ben, Carolyne, Mike, Alex, and Vishal, I love you guys. Seriously. I watched random passenger's reactions as we bid each of you farewell. People would smile sweetly and approvingly as we would all wish you a safe trip and remind you how much we'd miss you. I could only imagine what they thought. I'm sure not one of them could guess our actual situation. Our closeness with each other was apparent. We endangered missing our flights for just 5 extra minutes of the people we had spent thousands of minutes with in the past week. If nothing else, NSLC taught us to make the most of what we had. In one week we forged friendships that many couldn't cultivate in a year's time.
The problem with perfection is that everything else seems even more imperfect compared to it. NSLC this year was practically perfection. I couldn't ask for better people (except for Andy, the douchey TA), or to create closer relationships with those 19 other wonderful people. I couldn't imagine being in a more immersive, focused environment for students who want to become doctors. Like I said, nearly perfect. But the more I enjoyed NSLC, the more I became unsatisfied with my life back home. And now that I'm back here, I'm miserable. I didn't realize that in the NSLC program, you have NO alone time. I constantly had at least one companion: during meals, in the bathroom, at night. And I subconsciously loved every minute of it. I know that now because tonight, as I had to prepare for bed alone in my huge, gorgeous bathroom, I wasn't relieved to be rid of the community bathrooms- I MISSED them. Tonight, when I could slam my door shut and play loud music because I didn't have a roommate to respect, I wished I had those limitations. This experience was so amazing for me that the things that I thought were negatives actually became some of the most positive qualities for me by the end of the trip.
So here's to making the most of your time, to realize how amazing situations are while you're experiencing them. I can only hope that everyone there had an experience like I did.
Monday, August 2nd to Monday, August 9th was one week that I will try as hard as possible not to forget. Already,only a day later, I feel the smallest details of the trip slipping away from my memory. I'm trying to hold on to everything I can, but it's hard. So much happened in that week, and I don't want to forget any of it. Hopefully I can write some of it down here to preserve it til later.
It's is truly awe-inspiring how quickly you get to know people when: A) you're living with them, and B) when you have to get to know them. This week at UChicago forced me to become close with people I otherwise wouldn't, and that has changed my life forever. After spending mere hours with the first guys I met (Matt, Vishal, and Ben), I felt as if I had known them for months. When Kimmy showed up (my bestie from the program last year at Berkeley), I felt as if I had just been reunited with a childhood friend. The process of quickly becoming close with someone is amazing- you have the novelty of a new friend coupled with the comfort of an established relationship. I really feel like none of my NSLC relationships have a beginning, because the spark that initiated our relationship began a year prior when we all attended (different) NSLC Medicine and Healthcare, program 1. Even though we hadn't met, the NSLC bond was strong in all of us. We all understood what experiences the others had the year before that prompted them to come back. We were all passionate about NSLC, becoming a doctor, and meeting new people. So we went, we lived it, and we loved it. The little NSLC bubble we were under catalyzed some breathtaking learning and teaching, and some unbreakable relationships.
But anyways, back to the ends of relationships, not the beginnings. I'm sure you'll all trust me that some amazing friendships were made. I'll probably write about them later. But the feeling of saying goodbye is much more fleeting than the memory of the people themselves, and I want to get this down before I lose it.
three part process: the What I've Discovered Lecture, the sleepover with the girls, and the final goodbye at the airport.
The What I've Discovered morning was by far the most emotional/heartbreaking experience I've ever endured. The stuff our fellow NSLC-ers shared was expected: NSLC had changed them, made them a better person, made them come out of their shell, helped them meet new people, etc. It all went without being said. But we all said it anyways. I felt that we all knew that the act of getting up and sharing in front of everyone was symbolic- it showed our trust in each other, a trust that allowed us to be vulnerable in front of our peers. I still can't get over how many people broke down. There are more dry eyes in a funeral than there were in that room. That was when it really hit me that things were over. I looked around the room and couldn't feel anything but love for anyone. yes, even when Kat ran out of the room and it was really weird. Well, I still fucking hated Andy. But that's to be expected. ANWAYS. I loved everyone else. Even Grace, which is saying something. Emotional moments like that are when your deepest, most raw feelings are exposed, and I was a mess. The end, for all of us, had come far too quickly, and that was the moment we realized it. We clung to each other as if a tight hug could both keep the other from boarding the plane, and convey all the love we felt for each other. At least it accomplished one of the two. As a group, we left the law building teary-eyed, heartbroken, and miserable, but closer as a group. We went straight to the lounge afterwards and voluntarily spent time together as a whole group, for the first time the whole conference. The feeling was indescribable. Filled with energy, love, inside jokes, flirting, and lots of food, the 1st floor TV lounge will forever be immortalized in my head as one of the happiest places in existance.
The sleepover that night was hands down my favorite time of the conference, if not one of the favorite nights of my life. There isn't a singular event that I can pull from that night and go "WOW. That moment defined my NSLC experience" (though shaving Grace's legs was certainly memorable and note-worthy), but the night as a whole was the perfect culmination to the week. Kimmy, Naya, Kirsten, Kaitlin, Brooke, and Grace. It's strange, because you guys (except Kimmy) weren't necessarily the people I was closest to during the conference. But somehow, us seven ended up in room 407 for the night. I have a feeling using the world inexplicable to describe the night is overused, but that really is the most accurate way I can describe it. I can't name hardly anything we talked about, nor what made the night so special. But because of that night I feel a special closeness with each of you. That night opened my eyes to your lives, and just made me wish I knew each of you better. As the night went on, we lost you guys one by one. Kimmy first, then Brooke and Kaitlin in the eeeeeaaaarly hours of the morning. Finally, we dragged my mattress into Naya and Kirsten's room, turned off the light, crawled under the covers, and tried to sleep. Yet none of us could (except Naya). In that moment, I was terrified to sleep. I knew when we woke up, the experience would be over. When we woke up it would be time to leave. So we chose not to wake up. We spent those last, precious hours of the trip laughing, teasing, and learning about each other. Making the most out of those last hours was one of the most satisfying things I did the whole trip. Staying awake all night after a grueling week should have been nearly impossible, but it wasn't. All I wanted to do was learn about Kirsten and Grace. And the more I learned, the more fascinated I was. You two have such unique personalities that I know I'll never find anywhere else. So I observed, absorbed, and enjoyed. Learning about you two was amazing. Throughout the course of a night two amazing people unfolded in front of my eyes. Kirsten, I felt like I had found a kindred spirit, even though we seem very different. And Grace... What do I even say about you? I still can't figure out who the hell you are. Yet I am compelled to make sure you like me and don't forget about me. You called me "Court," and I knew I had to stay friends with you. I'd say more nice things, but I know you're going to read this, and then I could potentially come off SUUUUPER creepy. When morning came around and we went our separate ways to get ready, I felt as if I had acquired two new best friends. You girls are beyond amazing, and I sincerely regret not getting to know you two sooner.
The airport the next morning was a close second for best feeling ever. We came separately, in vans of 3 and 4. We were in different terminals leaving at different times all over the airport. But we all gladly walked the extra mile of airport terminals to say one last goodbye. Kimmy, Ben, Carolyne, Mike, Alex, and Vishal, I love you guys. Seriously. I watched random passenger's reactions as we bid each of you farewell. People would smile sweetly and approvingly as we would all wish you a safe trip and remind you how much we'd miss you. I could only imagine what they thought. I'm sure not one of them could guess our actual situation. Our closeness with each other was apparent. We endangered missing our flights for just 5 extra minutes of the people we had spent thousands of minutes with in the past week. If nothing else, NSLC taught us to make the most of what we had. In one week we forged friendships that many couldn't cultivate in a year's time.
The problem with perfection is that everything else seems even more imperfect compared to it. NSLC this year was practically perfection. I couldn't ask for better people (except for Andy, the douchey TA), or to create closer relationships with those 19 other wonderful people. I couldn't imagine being in a more immersive, focused environment for students who want to become doctors. Like I said, nearly perfect. But the more I enjoyed NSLC, the more I became unsatisfied with my life back home. And now that I'm back here, I'm miserable. I didn't realize that in the NSLC program, you have NO alone time. I constantly had at least one companion: during meals, in the bathroom, at night. And I subconsciously loved every minute of it. I know that now because tonight, as I had to prepare for bed alone in my huge, gorgeous bathroom, I wasn't relieved to be rid of the community bathrooms- I MISSED them. Tonight, when I could slam my door shut and play loud music because I didn't have a roommate to respect, I wished I had those limitations. This experience was so amazing for me that the things that I thought were negatives actually became some of the most positive qualities for me by the end of the trip.
So here's to making the most of your time, to realize how amazing situations are while you're experiencing them. I can only hope that everyone there had an experience like I did.
Emotional, right? For a normally emotionally restrained kind of person, it was weird going back and reading these.
"I'll be there, in the back of your mind
from the day we met, to you making me cry
and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
the best days of your life."
- Kellie Pickler
Sadness is supposed to weaken the more time goes by. Every day is supposed to get easier as we recover from sadness. Yet I don't find that happening to myself.
They say "time heals all wounds."Time is thought of as a good thing, the band aid for our wounds. But I am finding myself hating time. Instead of easing the heartache of losing the closest friends/family I can imagine, the heartache remains and NSLC slowly becomes more distant. Time is pulling me away, and I don't want to go. Sure, the sharp pain I felt when I was first separated from you guys has become more of a constant, throbbing heartache for me, but I'm still hurting just as much. I don't know how I'll ever get over you guys. Every day that passes is just a reminded of how much farther away I'm getting from the only people I want to be with right now. It almost doesn't seem fair- NSLC brought 20 of the most amazing people in the United States together, facilitated amazing, amazing friendships, and then ripped them away from us by sending us home after such a short amount of time.
Those seven days were far too few. I will forever carry with me the happy memories of that trip. It's almost impossible to move on, because I know it doesn't get better than that. Never again will I find such a loving, welcoming, caring, fun group. Ever. And never again will I be able to build friendships like the ones I did this past week.
I am absolutely terrified for more time to pass. Hundreds of miles already separate us, do we really need days/weeks/months to come between us, too? I envy those of you who started school this week. I am desperate for a distraction so I don't sit on facebook all day and remind all of you how much I miss you.
Everything seems to be a memory of ya'll. So many songs trigger painful memories. I can't get ready in the morning without wishing I wasn't in a community bathroom chatting with my favorite people in the world.
But this is my promise to you guys: I WILL remain in contact. I will do everything possible to keep NSLC as close to my heart as possible. Because you guys have made my life. You guys have forever changed me. I feel like I'm walking around like a ghost because I've left my heart and soul with you guys back in the UChicago dorms.
You all hear the fictional horror stories about the people who are forced to relive an event they enjoyed over and over again. What starts out for them as enjoyable becomes unbearably awful by the end of their journey. But if I could spend my life reliving those 7 days, I'd do so in a heartbeat.
Fergie said it so well in a song that epitomized our week in Chicago:
"All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse
Just to have you back again.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you."
NSLC Advanced Medicine and Healthcare has changed my standard for happiness. I look at where I was before; I thought I was happy. But that feeling was nothing compared to my state of euphoria those seven days. I know that no happiness can compare to that one.
I guess I really should be more positive about this whole thing, instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. So thank you all. Thank you for this wonderful experience. Thank you for being a part of the best experience of my life. I really am so greatful that every one of you was there. Honestly, you guys have made my life. My friends keep asking how Chicago was, and I can only answer "Great." There are no words to describe that week, our friendship, and how I feel now. I vow to never forget any of you, and I will always carry a part of your love with me, everywhere I go for the rest of my life. Anything else in my life pales in comparison to the greatness I've shared with you 19 people. You will forever be on my mind and in my heart.
February cannot come soon enough. I have a feeling it will be astounding how many of us commit to the trip. I cannot wait to hold you all in my arms again and pick up our relationships right where we left off.
Don't forget about me, ya'll. I sure won't forget about you.
from the day we met, to you making me cry
and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
the best days of your life."
- Kellie Pickler
Sadness is supposed to weaken the more time goes by. Every day is supposed to get easier as we recover from sadness. Yet I don't find that happening to myself.
They say "time heals all wounds."Time is thought of as a good thing, the band aid for our wounds. But I am finding myself hating time. Instead of easing the heartache of losing the closest friends/family I can imagine, the heartache remains and NSLC slowly becomes more distant. Time is pulling me away, and I don't want to go. Sure, the sharp pain I felt when I was first separated from you guys has become more of a constant, throbbing heartache for me, but I'm still hurting just as much. I don't know how I'll ever get over you guys. Every day that passes is just a reminded of how much farther away I'm getting from the only people I want to be with right now. It almost doesn't seem fair- NSLC brought 20 of the most amazing people in the United States together, facilitated amazing, amazing friendships, and then ripped them away from us by sending us home after such a short amount of time.
Those seven days were far too few. I will forever carry with me the happy memories of that trip. It's almost impossible to move on, because I know it doesn't get better than that. Never again will I find such a loving, welcoming, caring, fun group. Ever. And never again will I be able to build friendships like the ones I did this past week.
I am absolutely terrified for more time to pass. Hundreds of miles already separate us, do we really need days/weeks/months to come between us, too? I envy those of you who started school this week. I am desperate for a distraction so I don't sit on facebook all day and remind all of you how much I miss you.
Everything seems to be a memory of ya'll. So many songs trigger painful memories. I can't get ready in the morning without wishing I wasn't in a community bathroom chatting with my favorite people in the world.
But this is my promise to you guys: I WILL remain in contact. I will do everything possible to keep NSLC as close to my heart as possible. Because you guys have made my life. You guys have forever changed me. I feel like I'm walking around like a ghost because I've left my heart and soul with you guys back in the UChicago dorms.
You all hear the fictional horror stories about the people who are forced to relive an event they enjoyed over and over again. What starts out for them as enjoyable becomes unbearably awful by the end of their journey. But if I could spend my life reliving those 7 days, I'd do so in a heartbeat.
Fergie said it so well in a song that epitomized our week in Chicago:
"All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse
Just to have you back again.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you."
NSLC Advanced Medicine and Healthcare has changed my standard for happiness. I look at where I was before; I thought I was happy. But that feeling was nothing compared to my state of euphoria those seven days. I know that no happiness can compare to that one.
I guess I really should be more positive about this whole thing, instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. So thank you all. Thank you for this wonderful experience. Thank you for being a part of the best experience of my life. I really am so greatful that every one of you was there. Honestly, you guys have made my life. My friends keep asking how Chicago was, and I can only answer "Great." There are no words to describe that week, our friendship, and how I feel now. I vow to never forget any of you, and I will always carry a part of your love with me, everywhere I go for the rest of my life. Anything else in my life pales in comparison to the greatness I've shared with you 19 people. You will forever be on my mind and in my heart.
February cannot come soon enough. I have a feeling it will be astounding how many of us commit to the trip. I cannot wait to hold you all in my arms again and pick up our relationships right where we left off.
Don't forget about me, ya'll. I sure won't forget about you.
I cannot wait to experience anything even close to this again.
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