I guess I really just need to bite the bullet and face it: I'm really struggling, once again. Maybe even worse than last time. Before, at Pepperdine, there was this sort of underlying unhappiness in everything I did. At times, that unhappiness was not so underlying. But that's all in the past. What's going on now is strange.
Most of the time, I feel happy. Or, at least, I don't have time to feel sad. I am in classes I love that keep me really busy; for once I'm motivated to do my work ahead of time! I am working like crazy- between nannying for Lillian and working at the salon, and my new job at the child development center, I'm never home and always tired. Burton and I are better than I'd ever imagine we'd be- he's really stepped up to be the boyfriend I wanted and needed. I can convince myself I'm happy, and I try to. Yet I am often reminded, when I sit at home on a Friday and Saturday night doing homework, that I am not doing very well. I really have made no friends since coming to Drury. Literally none. I have sorority sisters who i've met, and even a couple I've hung out with once, but never more than once. I have a little sister in my sorority but I feel like I'm constantly letting her down by not having the motivation nor the connections to go out and introduce her to everyone on campus.
I thought by coming to Drury I'd be the big man on campus- smart, pretty, confident- a recipe for making friends, right? Yet here I am, halfway through my first year here, and the only people I spend time with are my boyfriend and my sister. I deleted my facebook to take away the constant reminder of how well everyone else is doing and how my only friends are moving on. I resolved to graduate a year early, since Drury has little to offer me besides academics.
What happened to me? I always thought of myself as good at making friends. Now I talk and get an awkward response, and no friendships ensue. Believe me, I want friends, and I'm kind of trying, but my self confidence is way down and I feel like I don't have a base to push off of.
