NSLC Service Trip February 2011:What We Did

I matter.

I matter. 

These were the first four words written in my NSLC notebook given to me on the first day of the service trip. It was out first day there. The 66 of us had barely settled ourselves into our one, long room before they called us all down to meet our spiritual guide for the week: Robert Leigh Pruitt II.  He quieted the group of us down and instructed us to write "I matter" in our notebooks. Across from my carefully scripted "February 17th, 2011," I fit neatly into the lines of the paper "I matter". Small and puny,  those two words looked insignificant on the page. Those words certainly didn't look like they mattered. Pru knew that I hadn't meant what I wrote; I was simply obeying. He instructed us again: "Write 'I matter' on your page, like you mean it!" This time i scrawled, in obnoxious, messy letters, all the way across my page. I didn't believe it yet, but  I'd learn to over the next 5 days.

Each day Mr. Pruitt gave us a lesson, usually including a "word of the day" and other random, inspirational things. I also kept a kind of journal so I didn't forget the important stuff. I'm including it all below, along with some new thoughts.

Day 1: February 17th, 2011
Assess: to evaluate or become informed
           Think: What do others need??
                      Start by serving others
Thoughts
Emotions
Actions
Results

This one's a pretty simple one. To assess is to figure out if there's a problem. Can't solve a problem if you don't realize there is one. Find a problem, and prepare to fix it.

Day 2: February 18th, 2011

Develop: to unfold in detail or to bring out the possibility of, or to come into being; manifest
     Ask:
           How many?
           By when? (involves trust, patience)
           Given to whom?
These questions will help to take the haphazardness out of how you serve. To develop is to figure out the HOW you will serve. One of my observations from his lecture were the words "There has to be something bigger than you!" What a great motto for life. There has to be something greater than you. One of the essential tenants of service is realizing that some things are more important than yourself. On days where we planted thousands of trees to restore the wetlands of New Orleans, it didn't matter whether my hair was straightened, or whether the attractive boy liked me. None of the little things mattered to anyone when we planted those trees.

February 18th, 2011, 9AM

"It's so nice to be home. Sure, this place is kind of run down and something I'd usually throw a fit over. But I'm with my family, so this is home. It's both like we never left and like we're closer than ever.
I'm pleasantly surprised with my TA group. I think (unbiasedly) that our TA may be the coolest and our group the chillest." This held very, very true throughout the trip. My TA group was amazing and my family only became closer.

"The airport yesterday was memorable. Kimmy and Carolyne tackled me in a hug as soon as I came down the escalator. We soon connected with Mike, and we were reunited. It's a wonderful feeling, being part of a group. While everyone else was scared and alone I was with my best friends and couldn't be happier.

Our rooms are old classrooms with the walls knowcked out so they form one loooong room. There are like 15 bunks in each room, like 5 or 6 rooms total. All the NSLC Advanced Med kids are in a room nearly by themselves. "

"Last night (the 17th) we all (me, Kirsten, and Grace) cuddled in Grace's bed, and it was the best feeling ever. The feeling of being with my best friends will never get old. I can't imagine a better feeling than the treat of having the three of us together, alone. Of course, that makes us a little exclusive. I feel bad about that. I don't know what to do....

I got to wake everyone up this morning, and I really enjoyed it. I'll always like mothering people."
It's true. One of my favorite things about the trip was being able to get my girls up in the morning :) It's nice, feeling needed.

Later that day, notes from a session with Robert Pruitt
6:30pm: "Today was one of the hardest days of my life, physically. We worked under the scorching sun for 7 hours planting trees."
6:45pm: "Love is having someone be exceptional out of the difference I make in their lives."- A quote Robert shared with us. How moving...
 "Service is NOT something outside of yourself." So true. Service is about yourself. Why? Because I matter.

At 7:30 we had an assignment. We had to create a human machine.  In our lives, just like in this assignment, every part affects the whole.
The rules?
1) 22 people
2) one machine
3) all people must touch
4) the machine must make noise
5) 2 people must be blindfolded
6) 2 people must be mute
7) 2 people must be standing on one foot
8) the people standing on one foot cannot tough
9) you must use the item given to you. Our item? A frisbee

I won't write about the actual exercise, , because it went as expected, but it taught us all a valuable lesson in working together.

Back to the notes I was taking:

8:30pm: "Create the habit! Show up as a 10 friend- trust without expectation." Examine your life. Who in your life is blind to you? Who in your life is mute to you? Who are the people that have no voice in your life? Give them a voice. Let them speak.

10:10 pm: "So physically and emotionally drained. Why do we plant trees?

Trees create a barrier for massive hurricane waves. Trees like the ones we planted break the waves and cause them to dissipate. For every 3 miles of trees planted, the storm surge wave drops 1 foot."

February 19th, 2011

Implement: to carry out or put into practice
    Before you implement, set an intention.- This lesson was valuable to me. Robert Pruitt encouraged us all to wake up every day and set a heartfelt intention for ourselves. I've started to do it and seen remarkable results.

Tool for implementing: incomplete cycles of action
1) release the committment
2) renegotioate
3) complete or honor your commitment

Now this, this is how you truly implement. Set an intention, don't just carry out an action!

February 20th. 2011
7:50am

Evaluate: to appraise or to value

Make this day SO real (surreal).



7:10pm
"Too busy/exhausted to write often. The devastation is still so apparent 5 years later. There's a level of emotional maturity present in all the people that only comes from going through something as traumatic as a hurricane, I guess. People we met today: the people at the marina place. The rugged looking guy was so thankful. He taught me how to fish, and gave me a kiss on the hand- not some superficial thing, but a real, deep, thank-you. Ronnie, an old black guy who seemed like some kind of helper there, gave me a huge, loving hug. These people are SO thankful. Then we met Robert Green, a man who had lost everything. He was dressed casually and missing many teeth, but that man has a gift." He had the gift of telling his story. Him and his family sat helplessly on the roof of their house as it became detached from its foundation and floated down the street in 20 feet of water. The broken levee caused the water to rise so fast- a foot every 10 minutes. He tried to put his 3 year old granddaughter on a roof of a stable house, but instead watched her disappear into the swirling limbo of that horrible water. Can you even imagine that? This man watched his baby granddaughter disappear from OUT OF HIS ARMS and lived to tell about it. He was an inspiration to us all. Pru told us something I'll try not to forget this day: These people don't want a handout. They want a hand UP.



February 21st
10:30am
"Swamp tour!"

February 22nd, 2011
5pm, Chicago O'Hare Aiport
"French quarter was fun, but generally unremarkable except for the other bus getting stuck and a drunk guy giving Matt beer (that was funny as hell). Jack and Sarah are my favorite people/couple EVER.

Pru has helped us all realized that there is something bigger than all of us, and by focusing on the big picture we can achieve a true utopia. But sometimes it's the specifics that really make a person happy. These were some of my favorite moments of the trip:
1) tackling Grace and Kirsten as soon as they got out of their van
2) us three snuggling in Grace's bed every night
3) Spending time with Kimmy at the airport before our flights left
4)Layover with Jewelz!! So glad to have her with me
5) EVERYTHING about the last night ;)
6) sitting in grace's lap cuddling during the speeches on the last night
7) cooking the most delicious dinner
8) dyadic encounter with Alec

I really do feel like I've been changed significantly in such a short time. During this weekend, I did work and i LIKED it. It is my heartfelt intention to love spontaneously with a happy heart and to not get caught up in the little things. This weekend I not only did a service to the people of NOLA, but to my peers and to myself. It is really powerful and difficult to express, but something's changed. I'm just gonna try not to get caught up in school and home and try to live my life the NSLC way- spontaneously, selflessly, lovingly, dedicatedly, and with no regrets.

The last night definitely deserves to be written about. Probably even more memorable than my last night of Advanced Med, which is saying something. After out "What I've Learned/Who I've Met" experience, everyone piled mattresses in the hall for some group bonding. Me, Grace, Kirsten, Matt, Sarah, jack, Momo, Eleni, Ben, Harley, Derek, Rafael, Sabrina, Danielle, Jeremy, and random others who joined us. Grace performed the tasteful hate rap Matt wrote about me; everyone laughed. At 12, the TAs chased us into our rooms far too early. But our night was faaaar from over. We texted the boys and agreed to meet. But Grace, Momo, and Eleni fell asleep by 2! Kirsten was half asleep/half awake, but not feeling well. So Sarah and I snuck out to meet Jack and Ben. So Sarah and I walk down the stairs, and through the window see Adrian sitting on the bench outside the bathrooms. Weird. So we instantly freaked out and ducked into the inside bathrooms to reevaluate our plan. We decided Adrain posed very little threat, and were about to head outside when we heard flip flops cracking as someone ran down the concrete steps. Worried it was a TA, Sarah and I hurried back into the bathroom stalls to look innocent. But in ran Kirsten, looking a mess after puking on her way down the stairs. She shut herself in a stall to heave some more. After making sure she was okay, Sarah and I went out to survey the damage. There was vomit EVERYWHERE. She started throwing up at the top of the stairs, continued running down the stairs, threw up some more, and finally made it to the bathroom. Sarah and I rushed to the outside boys bathroom, where the boys were waiting for us, to ask for help cleaning it up. Matt was in there too, which was weird. They came out to help, and James and Aaron appeared too. After cleaning it all we went outside to talk. This was roughly 2:45 am. Eventually Aaron, James, and Adrian disappeared and it was just us 6. We all kinda separated, having our own conversations. Jack and Sarah were GOING at it. If they weren't such amazing people I would have been very grossed out. Matt and Kirsten kinda made of me the whole time; I didn't really understand it. But I sat and talked to the gorgeous boy beside me. I was initially attracted to his "swagger" and things only got better from there ;) Raised in New Zealand, British mother, living in the Hamptons. Ben was beautiful. and perfect. He did his New Zealand accent and I melted. Unfortunately, I don't think he was as interested in me as I was with him. If only  I didn't have to put out to get guys to like me...."

And that was the last post of my trip. It took me forever, but I got it all out. I'll post later with the lessons I've taken from it, and my future plans for service
-Courteny

NSLC Service Trip February 2011: Post No. 1

So this is the first of at least 3 or 4 posts, and probably the least in-depth. It was just a thought that passed through my mind that I wanted to jot down really quick.

I got home from school today, tired and lonely. I miss the constant, vital rumble of living with 70 others. I didn't walk in the door til way after 9, and was already ready for bed. So I stumbled downstairs and into my bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I peered into my mirror, distraught that my sunburn was beginning to peel.

I remember the feeling of receiving that sun. Out in the wetlands, surrounded by my best friends, and realizing how good I had it. After months of freezing temperatures, the enveloping warmth was a welcome friend. But soon I had to leave the sun. Board the bus, head back to Camp Hope. Like taking in that sun, the trip, too, was enjoyable, comforting, and over all too soon.

And then came the sunburn. Sharp and stinging, the sunburn was a distinct but very constant pain. Somehow I had managed to burn nearly all of my body. Face, arms, legs, neck. It kept me up at night; I couldn't stop thinking about it. I think about my goodbyes to my family I left at Camp Hope. The embraces you held on to just a little too long, the tearful "see you soons." I remember the initial loneliness of being on a plane, by myself for the first time in six days. Like my stinging skin, those goodbyes were sharply painful.

And then I started to peel. Unsightly, it made me want to shrink into my own skin. Lotion up as I might, I was going to peel anyways. The old, damaged skin had to fall away before the new, pure skin could take its place. The first few days back at home were tough. I felt very isolated, and had a hard time focusing back onto the "little picture" stuff (homework, chores, etc), after focusing on the "big picture" so devotedly. But my everyday life seemed a little different now. Same actions, different intention. I reminded myself to be a 10 friend at all times and I was a little kinder. I reminded myself to use my gifts to help others and I bought my friends dinner. My life has been forever changed. Like my rejuvenating skin, my life had undergone its own change, and that was beginning to manifest itself.

And soon, the burn will fade and turn to a mellow tan. The pain of the damage will no longer be felt, and instead, I will be left feeling beautiful. Rather than lament the pain of my previous burn, I will look forward to getting more sun and improving my tan. And in this way, I will learn and grow from my experiences this past weekend. The lessons I've learned and the good I've gained will forever remain, and instead of living in the past and constantly thinking about the trip, I can focus my energy into planning the next one. Like my newly tanned skin, already eager for more sun, my life has been changed.

NSLC

So, the next phase of my NSLC journey begins in just a few days. I went back to my old blog and was reading my posts, and they're so incredibly emotional that I just wanted to have them on here so I don't lose them. I've almost lost the feelings I had then, so it was such a nice gift to be able to go back and find them. here are several blog posts from this summer after my Advanced Medicine and Healthcare Conference

August 11, 2010: 2 days after the conference: 

Saying goodbye has never been hard for me. It's not that I'm not emotionally attached, just that I've never really been able to comprehend the entirety of what a true goodbye means. I've never had to experience a real goodbye (not with anyone I care that much about anyways).Sure, I've moved away from close friends, but I was little. And I knew I'd see them again. Even at ten years old, I could see the big picture. And it was a good one. Seven years later I still keep in close contact with some friends back home in Cali. But not all situations are as positive as that one....

Monday, August 2nd to Monday, August 9th was one week that I will try as hard as possible not to forget. Already,only a day later, I feel the smallest details of the trip slipping away from my memory. I'm trying to hold on to everything I can, but it's hard. So much happened in that week, and I don't want to forget any of it. Hopefully I can write some of it down here to preserve it til later.

It's is truly awe-inspiring how quickly you get to know people when: A) you're living with them, and B) when you have to get to know them. This week at UChicago forced me to become close with people I otherwise wouldn't, and that has changed my life forever. After spending mere hours with the first guys I met (Matt, Vishal, and Ben), I felt as if I had known them for months. When Kimmy showed up (my bestie from the program last year at Berkeley), I felt as if I had just been reunited with a childhood friend. The process of quickly becoming close with  someone is amazing- you have the novelty of a new friend coupled with the comfort of an established relationship. I really feel like none of my NSLC relationships have a beginning, because the spark that initiated our relationship began a year prior when we all attended (different) NSLC Medicine and Healthcare, program 1. Even though we hadn't met, the NSLC bond was strong in all of us. We all understood what experiences the others had the year before that prompted them to come back. We were all passionate about NSLC, becoming a doctor, and meeting new people. So we went, we lived it, and we loved it. The little NSLC bubble we were under catalyzed some breathtaking learning and teaching, and some unbreakable relationships.

But anyways, back to the ends of relationships, not the beginnings. I'm sure you'll all trust me that some amazing friendships were made. I'll probably write about them later. But the feeling of saying goodbye is much more fleeting than the memory of the people themselves, and I want to get this down before I lose it.
three part process: the What I've Discovered Lecture, the sleepover with the girls, and the final goodbye at the airport.

The What I've Discovered morning was by far the most emotional/heartbreaking experience I've ever endured. The stuff our fellow NSLC-ers shared was expected: NSLC had changed them, made them a better person, made them come out of their shell, helped them meet new people, etc. It all went without being said. But we all said it anyways. I felt that we all knew that the act of getting up and sharing in front of everyone was symbolic- it showed our trust in each other, a trust that allowed us to be vulnerable in front of our peers. I still can't get over how many people broke down. There are more dry eyes in a funeral than there were in that room. That was when it really hit me that things were over. I looked around the room and couldn't feel anything but love for anyone. yes, even when Kat ran out of the room and it was really weird. Well, I still fucking hated Andy. But that's to be expected. ANWAYS. I loved everyone else. Even Grace, which is saying something. Emotional moments like that are when your deepest, most raw feelings are exposed, and I was a mess. The end, for all of us, had come far too quickly, and that was the moment we realized it. We clung to each other as if a tight hug could both keep the other from boarding the plane, and convey all the love we felt for each other. At least it accomplished one of the two. As a group, we left the law building teary-eyed, heartbroken, and miserable, but closer as a group. We went straight to the lounge afterwards and voluntarily spent time together as a whole group, for the first time the whole conference. The feeling was indescribable. Filled with energy, love, inside jokes, flirting, and lots of food, the 1st floor TV lounge will forever be immortalized in my head as one of the happiest places in existance.

The sleepover that night was hands down my favorite time of the conference, if not one of the favorite nights of my life. There isn't a singular event that I can pull from that night and go "WOW. That moment defined my NSLC experience" (though shaving Grace's legs was certainly memorable and note-worthy), but the night as a whole was the perfect culmination to the week. Kimmy, Naya, Kirsten, Kaitlin, Brooke, and Grace. It's strange, because you guys (except Kimmy) weren't necessarily the people I was closest to during the conference. But somehow, us seven ended up in room 407 for the night. I have a feeling using the world inexplicable to describe the night is overused, but that really is the most accurate way I can describe it. I can't name hardly anything we talked about, nor what made the night so special. But because of that night I feel a special closeness with each of you. That night opened my eyes to your lives, and just made me wish I knew each of you better. As the night went on, we lost you guys one by one. Kimmy first, then Brooke and Kaitlin in the eeeeeaaaarly hours of the morning. Finally, we dragged my mattress into Naya and Kirsten's room, turned off the light, crawled under the covers, and tried to sleep. Yet none of us could (except Naya). In that moment, I was terrified to sleep. I knew when we woke up, the experience would be over. When we woke up it would be time to leave. So we chose not to wake up. We spent those last, precious hours of the trip laughing, teasing, and learning about each other. Making the most out of those last hours was one of the most satisfying things I did the whole trip. Staying awake all night after a grueling week should have been nearly impossible, but it wasn't. All I wanted to do was learn about Kirsten and Grace. And the more I learned, the more fascinated I was. You two have such unique personalities that I know I'll never find anywhere else. So I observed, absorbed, and enjoyed. Learning about you two was amazing. Throughout the course of a night two amazing people unfolded in front of my eyes. Kirsten, I felt like I had found a kindred spirit, even though we seem very different. And Grace... What do I even say about you? I still can't figure out who the hell you are. Yet I am compelled to make sure you like me and don't forget about me. You called me "Court," and I knew I had to stay friends with you. I'd say more nice things, but I know you're going to read this, and then I could potentially come off SUUUUPER creepy. When morning came around and we went our separate ways to get ready, I felt as if I had acquired two new best friends. You girls are beyond amazing, and I sincerely regret not getting to know you two sooner.

The airport the next morning was a close second for best feeling ever. We came separately, in vans of 3 and 4. We were in different terminals leaving at different times all over the airport. But we all gladly walked the extra mile of airport terminals to say one last goodbye. Kimmy, Ben, Carolyne, Mike, Alex, and Vishal, I love you guys. Seriously. I watched random passenger's reactions as we bid each of you farewell. People would smile sweetly and approvingly as we would all wish you a safe trip and remind you how much we'd miss you. I could only imagine what they thought. I'm sure not one of them could guess our actual situation. Our closeness with each other was apparent. We endangered missing our flights for just 5 extra minutes of the people we had spent thousands of minutes with in the past week. If nothing else, NSLC taught us to make the most of what we had. In one week we forged friendships that many couldn't cultivate in a year's time.

The problem with perfection is that everything else seems even more imperfect compared to it. NSLC this year was practically perfection. I couldn't ask for better people (except for Andy, the douchey TA), or to create closer relationships with those 19 other wonderful people. I couldn't imagine being in a more immersive, focused environment for students who want to become doctors. Like I said, nearly perfect. But the more I enjoyed NSLC, the more I became unsatisfied with my life back home. And now that I'm back here, I'm miserable. I didn't realize that in the NSLC program, you have NO alone time. I constantly had at least one companion: during meals, in the bathroom, at night. And I subconsciously loved every minute of it. I know that now because tonight, as I had to prepare for bed alone in my huge, gorgeous bathroom, I wasn't relieved to be rid of the community bathrooms- I MISSED them. Tonight, when I could slam my door shut and play loud music because I didn't have a roommate to respect, I wished I had those limitations. This experience was so amazing for me that the things that I thought were negatives actually became some of the most positive qualities for me by the end of the trip.

So here's to making the most of your time, to realize how amazing situations are while you're experiencing them. I can only hope that everyone there had an experience like I did.

Emotional, right? For a normally emotionally restrained kind of person, it was weird going back and reading these.

"I'll be there, in the back of your mind
from the day we met, to you making me cry
and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
the best days of your life."
- Kellie Pickler

Sadness is supposed to weaken the more time goes by. Every day is supposed to get easier as we recover from sadness. Yet I don't find that happening to myself.

They say "time heals all wounds."Time is thought of as a good thing, the band aid for our wounds. But I am finding myself hating time. Instead of easing the heartache of losing the closest friends/family I can imagine, the heartache remains and NSLC slowly becomes more distant. Time is pulling me away, and I don't want to go. Sure, the sharp pain I felt when I was first separated from you guys has become more of a constant, throbbing heartache for me, but I'm still hurting just as much. I don't know how I'll ever get over you guys. Every day that passes is just a reminded of how much farther away I'm getting from the only people I want to be with right now. It almost doesn't seem fair- NSLC brought 20 of the most amazing people in the United States together, facilitated amazing, amazing friendships, and then ripped them away from us by sending us home after such a short amount of time.

Those seven days were far too few. I will forever carry with me the happy memories of that trip. It's almost impossible to move on, because I know it doesn't get better than that. Never again will I find such a loving, welcoming, caring, fun group. Ever. And never again will I be able to build friendships like the ones I did this past week.

I am absolutely terrified for more time to pass. Hundreds of miles already separate us, do we really need days/weeks/months to come between us, too? I envy those of you who started school this week. I am desperate for a distraction so I don't sit on facebook all day and remind all of you how much I miss you.

Everything seems to be a memory of ya'll. So many songs trigger painful memories. I can't get ready in the morning without wishing I wasn't in a community bathroom chatting with my favorite people in the world.

But this is my promise to you guys: I WILL remain in contact. I will do everything possible to keep NSLC as close to my heart as possible. Because you guys have made my life. You guys have forever changed me. I feel like I'm walking around like a ghost because I've left my heart and soul with you guys back in the UChicago dorms.

You all hear the fictional horror stories about the people who are forced to relive an event they enjoyed over and over again. What starts out for them as enjoyable becomes unbearably awful by the end of their journey. But if I could spend my life reliving those 7 days, I'd do so in a heartbeat.

Fergie said it so well in a song that epitomized our week in Chicago:
"All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you.

Wish I could spin my world into reverse
Just to have you back again.
There's no getting over
There's no getting over
There's just no getting over you."

NSLC Advanced Medicine and Healthcare has changed my standard for happiness. I look at where I was before; I thought I was happy. But that feeling was nothing compared to my state of euphoria those seven days. I know that no happiness can compare to that one.

I guess I really should be more positive about this whole thing, instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. So thank you all. Thank you for this wonderful experience. Thank you for being a part of the best experience of my life. I really am so greatful that every one of you was there. Honestly, you guys have made my life. My friends keep asking how Chicago was, and I can only answer "Great." There are no words to describe that week, our friendship, and how I feel now. I vow to never forget any of you, and I will always carry a part of your love with me, everywhere I go for the rest of my life. Anything else in my life pales in comparison to the greatness I've shared with you 19 people. You will forever be on my mind and in my heart.

February cannot come soon enough. I have a feeling it will be astounding how many of us commit to the trip. I cannot wait to hold you all in my arms again and pick up our relationships right where we left off.

Don't forget about me, ya'll. I sure won't forget about you.

I cannot wait to experience anything even close to this again.   

More College Thoughts....

Thoughts on college:
It's amazing how much my mindset has changed since I began this whole application process. I wish I would have been where I am now mentally when I started applying to colleges. I think I would have been a lot smarter and a lot more successful. I'll see in April, though. I was talking to a peer the other day and he said to me "The stuff you've done during high school doesn't make any college need you. And you need to prove to colleges that they need you as a student." This may be very true. He's probably very right and he will probably be more successful than I in the search for colleges. But what struck me was not the truth of it, but how much my mindset strayed from the truth. I haven't shown extreme commitment or focus in any one area; I haven't won any huge awards or done anything remarkable that makes me stand out. But, I don't feel bad about that. I don't regret it. Colleges may not look favorably upon it, but I don't care. You know why? Because I have LIVED during high school. I've done a shitload of extracurriculars; there is no denying that. Sure, I switched around and quit some things. But that's because I was experimenting and finding my passion. I see so many kids who have done all these extra curricular activities all four years and have a focused, comprehensive resume. But that's not me. I've tried it all. I've danced seriously, but I've also taken piano lessons for a while. I've been a cheerleader, but I've also volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club. I did debate, then realized I didn't like it. I did Model UN, but it wasn't for me. I tried getting in to politics, but that's not where my passion lay. I've experienced so much, from Girl Scouts to Student Council to band, and I think that crazy amount of exposure makes me a better and more prepared person for the future. So what if I haven't won any awards now? I'm in high school, still figuring out who I am. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to pursue finding myself above all else, even if it means that on paper I seem less qualified than another student. I know, though, when I head off to college, I'll be more comfortable with myself than half the students there. I pride myself on knowing who I am inside, and out, and I think that is the most important thing I could take out of these last four years.

Secondly, still on the topic of me not being prepared for college and not regretting it: it's not all about the extracurriculars and academics. Some of my friends who are most qualified for college acceptances have lived the least. I think every person applying to colleges should have had most of the following quintessential high school experiences:
1) go to a party
2) hook up with a boy (or a girl)
3) date a boy (or a girl)
4) get your driver's license
5) stay out all night
6) go to a school sports game dressed ridiculously, and cheer until hoarse
7) take a roadtrip, even to a nearby town, with your friends
8) do something worth getting grounded for (not lame like talking back)
9) have a job for more than a month
10) sneak out
11) stay up all night studying or doing your homework after procrastinating
12) go to a midnight movie premiere with your friends
13) have a Valentine
14) go to some kind of summer camp where you don't know anyone
15) get drunk
16) smoke weed
17) go skinny dipping (or do something comparable naked)
18) experiment sexually with someone of the same sex
19) have a real best friend
20) lose your virginity
21) skip class. and not just one class. try to skip all of your classes at least once

Now, that's just my opinion. Many people will disagree with many of these things, but that's okay. These were things that, to me, seem important experiences to have. Personally, I have experienced all but two of them (anyone close to me knows what they are), and I find myself so much mature because of it. I think the key to enjoying life is to experience as much as you can, even if you only do these things once and then never again.

Courtney has a Divine Experience and it Makes Her Very Sad....

Everyone complains about the snow, but it really is beautiful. Tonight around 10:30 I took Ginger outside to walk. In our neighborhood we had probably 20 inches of snow, but on the streets there was only an inch or two of packed snow, plus the additional 2+ inches that had been and continued to fall. The time of night (late), and the poor road conditions combined to create a very, very quiet night. In our 45 minute walk we saw only one car, and even then, the truck's engine noises seemed muffled by the snow. But anyways, the world was silent. No birds, no people, no cars. The noise of the world had literally faded away. But it was not silent. Falling snow makes an interesting sound. It doesn't make the soft, puffy sound one would imagine as it falls. Instead, it is almost a metallic (albeit very quiet), distinct sound. Though I've seen snow many times before, it seemed as if tonight was the first time I really listened to the falling snow. It was so beautiful. The snow fell heavily, and Ginger loved playing in it. She buried her face in the snow, chased snowflakes, and romped in the drifts. I found myself actually laughing out loud though I was alone. Nothing out of the ordinary happened on that walk; I just really enjoyed it.

I came back inside covered with snow. I was out long enough for nearly an inch to fall. My mom and my sisters were gathered in the hearth room watching some tv show. "It's amazing outside," I commented. They mostly ignored me and rushed to dry the dog off. They all settled back in to watch tv. I was a little hungry, so I made myself stove popped popcorn (absolutely amazing on cold winter nights). I sat at the kitchen table to eat it, and tried again: "You should have seen it outside. It was so beautiful. You should go out with me later." Jessica was the one who responded: "Yeah Courtney, you already told us. Thanks."
That moment was so insignificant, and like so many others that occur on a daily basis, but right then I just felt SO alone. Physically isolated, yes. I was sitting at the kitchen table and the rest of my family was gathered in the hearth room. But on an emotional and mental state, too, I couldn't have been further away from them. And not just my family. People in general.

Family is the strangest concept to me. You are created by your parents, who also create your siblings. Genetically, you are tied together. Yet somehow that is also supposed to create this unbreakable emotional bond. For some reason, I'm the weirdo who doesn't feel that intimate closeness that I'm supposed to. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful. Sometimes. My parents gave me the foundation to be very successful in life. Now that I'm becoming more mature I find myself enjoying my mother's company more. But there still isn't that... spark. That crazy, family love that I know other people have. And sadly, I know this isn't one sided. When Jess gets angry and screams at me that mom always complains about me, and that my parents can't wait for me to leave, I know it's not solely the anger talking. I'm the prickly one, the child that is REALLY hard to love. I get it, I just don't know why.
Extended family is even more difficult. I was raised thousands of miles away from my maternal grandparents, and saw them a maximum of once a year for the first ten years of my life. Probably about 5 or 6 times total by the age of ten, when I moved to Springfield, though I can probably only remember 3 of those times. So we move to Missouri, and here are these people that I remember being with 3 times in my life, who I am supposed to prioritize. My mom is big on family. So when we moved here we were expected to spend all our holidays and most special occasions with these people who I barely knew. And honestly, I haven't ever grown to like it.  I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. I'm not like them, I spend very little time with them, and when I am with them, I spend my time trying to avoid them. Yet they are the ones who fill the chairs at my birthday dinners. They are the ones who I have to give up my weekend for to visit. It's the strangest concept to me, and it makes so little sense. But, I digress.


On an episode of Criminal Minds tonight Gideon was describing being on a college campus. He describes being able to observe the students' emotions, their attitudes, their mindset. He can identify how they feel and why they feel it. Yet he cannot internalize it. Gideon has passed the point of being able to be one of the teenagers. He can look at their lives from the outside, but will never again be able to experience the innocent, naive, carefree frivolities of youth. I understood what Gideon explained perfectly. I look at my peers and I observe their lives. I understand most of it, and am even involved in some of it. But I will never be able to connect to them like they can with each other. Granted, I am NOT saying that this is because I'm more mature than them. Rather, I just wanted to use the analogy to highlight this growing feeling of isolation. I have reached a mental state where I am unable to have the same relationships with people that they have with each other. And I am afraid I'll never be able to have a normal relationship with a person again. Terrified, really. And the longer I am aware of this, the more I find myself craving a normal relationship.

I'll finish this later. Or maybe I'll be too lazy to. It's almost 3 am and I don't think I'm making any sense any more.