Courtney's Dream Log

Now, I am not sure what importance dreams have in everyday life, but I know I have the most intricate, vivid dreams that often leave me feeling incredibly inspired (and able to remember most of the dream!). I woke up this morning after having a particularly romantic dream and just had to write some parts of it down so I don't forget it.

I was experiencing love. Not questioning, Do-I-Really-Love-Him love, but just a sure thing.
Every kiss was just too short. Every kiss conveyed passion, desire, and longing.
He wanted me. He wanted me so, so badly. Every little peck was torturous to pull himself from.
His love for me was obvious. It was something I just felt.
I felt secure in our relationship, knowing he'd be there whenever I needed him.

Is this too much to expect out of a relationship? It's certainly never something I've experienced. I am constantly examining aspects of my own relationship and thinking about love, and it's nothing like this. But, is real love like this?

Courtney's list of most unfortunate things #2

Is there anything more disappointing
than waking up
and wondering why your puppy isn't in your room to kiss your face
then realizing it's because
she is 1500 miles away.
And you are alone.

Great Books Lesson

In Francois Rabelais' story: Gargantua and Pantagruel: The Abbey of Theleme, the characters are establishing an abbey. This abbey has only one rule: Do what you will, "because people who are free, well-born, well-bred, and easy in honest company have a natural spur and instinct which drives them to virtuous deeds and deflects them from vice; and this they call honour. When these same men are depressed and enslaved by vile constraint and subjection, they use this noble quality which once impelled them freely towards virtue, to throw off and break this yoke of slavery."

How amazing is it to believe enough in the goodness of human nature to trust our instincts and live our lives through our own inherent will? I find myself really internalizing this quote. Maybe because I like doing whatever I want anyways, and finding serious literature to support that is nice, but I really do find myself believing in the goodness of human kind. If I am a good person, my natural instinct will lead me to do "virtuous deeds." If a bad person, I'll act according (and wouldn't it just really suck, to be born a bad person? I feel like this text makes it seem like people are born either good or bad). Either way, I am trusting myself and being true to who I am. I really like that idea.

March 11, 2011

What do you do when your good isn't good enough?

You paste a smile on your face. Frozen, it hardens, and cracks.

On the inside you scream, you hit, you clench. But on the outside you smile.

Tears roll down the dimpled cheeks.

but tears, they're luminescent. Easily mistaken for something much happier.

So you wait, and eventually the tears dry. Then they, too, harden and crack.

Ted Hughes

He got out of his bed,
maneuvered around the piles of clothes and books that littered his room, and went to his closet to get dressed.
He stretched in front of the mirror, admiring his toned body. More defined than toned, really. He flexed his muscles, one at a time. Arms, pecs, back, legs. He inspected himself, noting areas for improvement. Still stark naked, his manhood hanging limp but still impressive, he seemed the picture of masculinity.
After many long, silent minutes in front of the mirror, he dressed and headed to the bathroom.
He took good care of himself. He meticulously washed his face, brushed his teeth, and flossed (and who actually flosses anymore?).
He was tired, but probably more hungry than tired, he noted.
He reentered his bedroom obliviously, thinking about this, put on his shoes, and walked back out the door.
As he sat at a table in the cafe with his late-night sandwich, he thought about his academic life. Like any college student, he was struggling with his major, his career path, and his grades. He loved to sit and think about his life like this. His phone vibrated in his pocket with a call, but he silenced it without looking at it; he didn't want to be distracted from his thoughts.

Back in his room, she wistfully hung up the phone without leaving a voicemail. He'd been gone over an hour and she had a feeling he'd forgotten that she was still there. Oh well. He'd come back eventually. She would wait. She would always wait. Because in the end, he'd have to come back.

Malibu

The slow breeze carries upon it the sweet smell of pretty girls' perfumes and

the muted sun warms tan skin and makes them shine.

This beauty can be peaceful, and

peaceful is admirable.

But at the end of the day I am left feeling utterly uninspired.

Courtney's list of most unfortunate things #1

I've been reflecting a lot lately on opportunity without maturity. How lucky is one who gets an amazing opportunity? Accepted to your dream college. Offered a six figured job after a year of unemployment. Asked for your hand in marriage by your soul mate. Whatever the dream. Sometimes fortune shines down and we are given what we've always wanted.

But what happens when the timing is wrong? What happens if you are accepted to your dream school but just absolutely can't afford it? What if this job tears you away from your family? What if you're homosexual and your partner proposes before your marriage could be legal? You get the idea. Perfect opportunities become less than perfect situations when the timing isn't right. And the thing about opportunities is, you usually can't control them. So sometimes amazing things come along and we just aren't ready. So what do we do?

The best resolution I can come to is to give your opportunity up and keep going. Now, it doesn't work in every situation, but in general, timing is something defining that we just can't change. If the timing is wrong, then the opportunity isn't right. One of my very favorite people here at Pepperdine was recently offered the position of SLA. Long story short, she ended up giving up the position in favor of something else, though SLA was something she really wanted and giving it up was really hard for her to do. But, the silver lining is so apparent to me. SLA spots are hard to come by, and the application process is very selective. Many people are let down when they don't get accepted. And by giving up her position, my friend gave that opportunity to someone else, someone who really wanted it. So while you may be disappointed when the right thing happens at the wrong time and you have to give it up, take comfort in the fact that you are helping someone else get the opportunity they've been waiting for.

I find myself in a similar situation. Here I am, at Pepperdine, with this amazing opportunity to learn academically and spiritually, all at 75% off. Because of the of my scholarship, I have the opportunity to live in Malibu, California and experience a life most only dream of. This is undoubtedly such a crazy opportunity that I've got. Yet I really think it came along at the wrong time. Though I originally thought of myself as incredibly independent and ready for life as far away as home from possible, I couldn't have been more wrong. I find myself emotionally unready to accept and thrive in this opportunity I've been given. People don't understand how I can be unhappy in my situation: I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, getting a great education, surrounded by unimaginable people. Yet because this opportunity just came at the wrong time for me, I'm simply unable to appreciate my opportunity to the full extent it deserves.

So what do I do? By giving up this opportunity and going home, I can prepare myself in to the best of my ability to become independent, so if another opportunity comes along, I'm ready to accept it. By giving up my spot at Pepperdine hopefully someone else gets to come here. Hopefully someone will get my scholarship and it will let them live out the opportunity I wasn't ready for. So, I've decided. I'm going home. It isn't an ideal situation, but it is what it is. I'm optimistic that another life changing opportunity will come along sometime in the future, though hopefully when I'm ready for it.

Human Touch

There is an overwhelming beauty in that loving hold.
in that desperate grasp.
in that familiar caress of body.

There is an alluring excitement to his touch.
in that spot
in that enjoyment of knowing each other.

There is a flooding of peace when eyes are closed.
in that comforting warmth.
in that savored moment.

Minds may be miles apart.
But when bodies are together
souls are sparked
and connect
if only momentarily.

There is a painful yearning in his loving hold.
in that room that one must leave.
in that embrace that is never tight enough.

There is a preemptive disappointment when eyes are closed.
in that anticipation of the future.
in that fleeting moment.

There is a dissonance in the human touch.
in that unknown tomorrow.
in that tortured brilliance of human relationships.