I (and most of us) have always been taught that we are special and that we can do anything. Like the quote on the top of my blog says "She believed she could, so she did." Or i'm sure you all are familiar with the ever popular "shoot for the moon. even if you miss you'll land among the stars." Blah blah blah. You get the idea. We're all special, most of us are gifted (well at least I am), and if we believe in ourselves, we can do great things.

But where is that now? I feel lost, like I have no one rooting for me, and honestly, I'm not even sure I'm rooting for myself. I'm not sure what I'm good at, or what makes me unique, I'm not sure what my strengths or weaknesses are, I just feel really average. And I'm not quite sure if that's a good or a bad way to feel. My heart tells me I want to be special. I want to be recognized, to be celebrated. My years of relative success and constant pushing from my parents have left me with an ego that does not like to be told that it's not the best. But my mind (or really, my boyfriend) tells me that being average is what most people are. That realistically, that's what I am. It doesn't mean that my good qualities disappear. It just means that overall, well, I'm just like everyone else.

My recent decisions (bad grades first semester, a knack at truancy, transferring back to Drury, and best of all, getting a tattoo) have left my parents quite disappointed with me. That, coupled with my boyfriend's depressing realism has left me (usually my biggest fan) doubting myself. I'm having trouble dreaming, fantasizing, imagining myself doing great (or even just really good) things. My days of wanting to be Dr. Tay are over and now I'm left wondering what else I'm really capable of. My days spent taking care of my little Ozarks babies are seeming more to me like a foreshadowing of impending doom rather than just a summer job.

So what's the "good" in all of this? Should I bend to my parents' wills, straying from who I am? Do I give in to Burton's mindset, accepting that I am no one of importance? Both of those just feel like options that really aren't me. I am a dreamer. I am a rebel. I do things because I want to and they always seem to work out okay. I somehow have this ridiculous (and maybe unwarranted) confidence that powers me through some strange decisions and I usually end up happy. And yes, parents, I am not living life the way you want me to. And yes, Burton, I may be unrealistic in my expectations. But that's just me. And I'm just still struggling with this whole growing up thing. Because growing up feels like I'm being forced to abandon who I am. So, internet, what do I do?