Last weekend was surreal. You flew in on Thursday, and I picked you up, late, at 5. You looked so handsome in your short sleeved button up your mom picked out for you. I felt bad I was so late. I was anxious all the way there; I didn't mean to be late. But California life is rushed and always has too many things in too short of a time. Welcome to Cali. We drove around and looked for that delicious barbecue place. We finally found it, but you were hungry and frustrated and I was just frustrated. I hate driving, hate the California traffic. While we were waiting for our table, I noticed on facebook that your mom had discovered you were going to California. She was less mad than I would have expected. Dinner was amazing. I was so hungry. You didn't want barbecue, but you put on a happy face and appeased me. You are always appeasing me. I was appeased. We had a little two person booth, with room enough for one on each side, but by the end of dinner I had made it over to your side. I was so happy to see you. I just wanted to be able to touch you. You were here, you were real (you hate it when i say that). But it's really amazing when your relationship with someone is almost completely without touch.

Your penis was so happy to see me. Oh, you came so quickly the first time. It was just the first round of such a sexually charged weekend.

We both slept terribly that night. Just flopping around and waking up. I was afraid that all the nights would be like that. Luckily, I was wrong. We were both probably just nervous. Friday morning was so sweet. You were so kind, so loving, so cuddly, so kissy. You just wanted to snuggle. And I was so happy laying there in your arms. I'm pretty sure I said it was the best feeling ever. And I meant it. Having your strong arms caress my tummy and those raw, soft kisses on my cheeks and down my neck was the most satisfied I've ever been.

I never remember enjoying kissing you so much. Or anyone really. Kissing was just always something you did before going farther, or because you wanted to show affection. But this weekend, I really enjoyed it. I wanted to be touching you, feeling you. Expressing my affection in every way I could. I wanted to feel your passion when you kissed me. You have the best lips with the most gentle kisses. I appreciated them so much this weekend.

I got in the bath to shave my legs and you kept popping your head in and bothering me. It was adorable. It's amazing that when I'm at my most vulnerable (naked scrunched over in the tub so all my stomach rolls show) having you there is so nice.

We went to school to see some of Celebration Chapel. I think I enjoyed it more than you. "How do all these people know the words?" you asked. We went in and watched it from the library. Steph's singing had me in a trance. I think you were bored. I dropped you off in the library and went to Spanish, only to discover it was cancelled. You were so ready for me to come back. You kept texting me. Probably because you were stuck on a foreign campus, but I liked to think it was because you missed me. Typical me.

We went to Ralph's beach. It was so warm, perfect weather, but neither of us wore our swimsuits. We had a picnic lunch and walked hand in hand. We talked about your summer plans. We talked about everything. You tried to push me into the freezing cold ocean. We played and you picked me up and I enjoyed the cold water around my feet. I loved being able to curl my hand up in yours. I can fit my whole hand in between your thumb and pinky. Just snuggled into your hand, my hand rubs against your three calluses at the base of your hand with every step. When we came back to our towel, you put your head in my lap. You seemed happy to talk to me. You were affectionate, even though we were in public. Maybe you were doing it because you knew it meant something to me, and maybe you just felt affectionate towards me. I leaned down and kissed you spider man style, upside down. It was so lovely. We were actually the infatuated couple at the beach. I wasn't pretending, wasn't trying. We just were.

I had to think so hard about what we did next. It's only been a week and my memories are dissolving. That's why I'm writing them down.

We went to Santa Monica next. But first, we got Crumbs. Toffee for you, cherry for me. Brown for you, pink for me. They made you feel sick and you started being a beast. Definitely the grumpiest the whole trip. But I've learned how to deal with you better. I apologized, and eventually you got over it. We got out and walked around, and things returned to normal. You bought cigarillos. You gave money to the man asking for it and I was so, so impressed. That showed such compassion in your heart. Compassion that I really needed to see. I lost my phone while we were guessing the stories of that old jazz duet. Best friends since childhood in New Orleans. We couldn't find a bathroom for the life of us. Oh man I had to pee. What kind of Barnes and Noble doesn't have a bathroom?? But, a bathroom was found and we returned back to the motel. We almost went to the pier but I couldn't find parking and I was tired and getting soooo grumpy. Oh I was getting very grumpy and very frustrated. Oh, and you bought that zippo. With the guy who thought we might have had a fake ID. It's in my pink bag now. Can't wait to return it to you.

We had about an hour where I took a nap and you worked on homework. I couldn't believe I was comfortable enough to just conk out next to you. Apparently I was. You said I was snoring. Embarrassing. But a good sign. A sign that I am that comfortable with you. Maybe we've reached a comfortable, happy place. I hope. You smoked, then we got in the hot tub after that. Oh, you were so happy. You said you couldn't stop smiling and that it was rigour mortis. You told me I looked like a doll. We got in the cold pool and you swam a couple laps. You were just so happy. You held my hand and kissed my cheek and looked at me and told my I was beautiful. It was romantic. And so little with us has ever been romantic.

We got ready and headed out for dinner at Subway (classy, right?). I was just craving it. And you spoiled me and appeased me. We drove all the way into LA and parked far away and trekked to the observatory. It was a long ass walk. I wouldn't have done it without you. We got there and went inside, and that guy talked to us about how the earth rotates. We looked at all the exhibits, and I was interested, but not fascinated until I saw the one with the size of the stars. I really started to comprehend how insignificant our earth is. We went outside. Oh it was amazing to look at all of LA. You stood behind me, and I leaned back on you, and you explained to me our place in this world.  It really hit me and I cried. There was that funny asian couple next to us. "You should be a city planner. What would you change about this city if you could?" "YOU!" I laughed through my tears. That moment with you was really phenomenal. I could have stayed there forever. There, in your arms. There, with the big city stretched out in front of us.

We went up to the top level. I sat on the ledge cross legged and you stood next to me. You told me about the beauty of life. You convinced me. I thought about poetry so much. We left.
We walked back to the car. I was so scared that you were walking so close to the ledge- your life is so precious to me. There was that scary guy. I shoved my hand into your pocket where your hand was because it made me feel safe. You're a good protector.

I smoked that night, for the first time. I think it was friday night? I'm already forgetting. It burned my throat. But I've never been happier to watch Enchanted. I was so frustrated with the color order of my gummy worms. We had such an in depth conversation about depth perception and why people have two eyes. I've never been so fascinated. I've always been hesitant to smoke. But I wasn't hesitant that night. Maybe because I've been feeling spontaneous lately. Maybe because I wanted to make you happy.

On Saturday morning I woke up before you. I took a shower and crawled back into bed before you woke up. You were so happy to see me in bed next to you. You held me and kissed me and told me how good I smelled. I'm pretty sure we had amazing sex after that, but I already don't remember. I just remember being warm and happy and snuggled up into you. In the mornings, when you are so gentle, I like to think that's what you're really like. Before you start thinking so much and worrying and putting on a mean front, you're just this gentle, adorable, loving man. We got ready for church. I was in that creme lace dress with wedges and you were in khakis and that green pullover. You look so nice dressed up. I felt so special to walk next to someone that handsome. We walked around to look for church, but just couldn't find it. I still don't know how I missed it. I feel bad about that. We walked back through alumni park and it was so romantic. You carried me over the bird poop and we snuggled on the bench looking out at the ocean. It was beautiful outside.

We went to John's Garden for lunch. You loved your sandwich. Some surfer one with lots of sprouts and avocado. It made me happy to see you so happy. I guess i'm using the word happy a lot in this. It might be a writing faux paus, but I mean it every time I use it. We take happy for granted. But I was so happy this weekend. We went back to the hotel for more sex and to get ready for tattoos. The sex made us late for tattoos. The tattoo people didn't mind. They were so laid back. It was a little awkward, but in a cute way. Neither of us were completely comfortable (I mean, it was a tattoo parlor!). Mine hurt like hell. So badly. You were across the room getting yours and couldn't hold my hand. But mine finished quickly and I could sit there and watch you get yours. I don't think you wanted me there while you were getting yours as much as I wanted you there while I was getting mine. Il fault cultiver nostre jardin, right? I don't speak french but I think that's what yours says. I remembered something.

We tried to go to Duke's for fish tacos but the wait was so incredibly long. I pulled that illegal u turn and we went to Marmalade's instead. Alex Miotti was our waiter. I got chicken pot pie and you got some seafood pasta. Oh mine was so good. Mmm. I might need to go back and get that some time this week. I got to hold your hand and we acted like a couple. We were a couple. We are a couple? We found that perfect little beach afterwards. We climbed down and it was chilly. We laid the blanket down and tried to sit but it was just so cold. The waves were incredible. The way they crashed on the rocks made the most remarkable sound. You stood behind me with your arms around me and we just looked and listened in silence. The stars were so beautiful; the night was so clear. I remember thinking that as beautiful as this scenery was around me, I felt even more amazing inside. I felt so enamored with you, standing there in your arms.

The most beautiful thing about the weekend wasn't even an event, I think. It was the sweet morning kisses, the way you hugged me just because you could, the way you held my hand in the car like you never had before. It was the spark I had been waiting for with you, the spark I was afraid would never come.