Deferred: to be postponed or delayed.

I've been deferring things all year: schoolwork, actually going to school, friendships, relationships, etc. Everything was put on hold; nothing mattered except going to college. Specifically, Stanford. So, it was ironically fitting that I'd be deferred from Stanford (Boyd's rule of life, anyone? The irony gods WILL take every opportunity to bite you in the ass.)

Applying to college has been the most stressful, anxiety-inducing period of my life. I had to put off all my homework to devote the time necessary to my apps, I stayed up late every night doing them, and would therefore be an emotional wreck the next day. I spent my days crying and my nights stressing over apps. Somewhere in this obsessive period in my life I found collegeconfidential. And that, of course, became my new way to spend my time. I joined the Stanford REA Applicants' Discussion Thread, and met people in my exact situation. As I grew closer with these people I learned to love Stanford even more... I became even more infatuated with the school as I played out fantasies of me there with my new friends; my dream became closer and closer. My hopes were up, my dreams, dreamed, and there was no going back. I was set on Stanford. As I became closer to the people Stanford became more of a goal for me. And suddenly, there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to go. The advice "You will end up happy wherever you go" resounded on deaf ears. I will be happy at Stanford, I knew. THAT is the school for me. I was convinced.

As deadline day approached, the bonding only continued. These people weren't just collegeconfidential friends anymore; these people had become some of my closest friends. Time passed quickly with their company. And then the night before deadlines came. As I laid in bed last night, I found myself praying not for my acceptance, but for the acceptance of my friends. This involuntary selflessness surprised me, and left me with a certain peace. Worrying about others was much easier than worrying about myself. I had such confidence in my friends- they were SO talented. Smart, beautiful, funny, teeming with personality. You name it, my friends had it. I fell asleep dreaming of finally meeting my new favorite people.

And then decisions came. I was deferred, hardly a desirable situation, yet I fared better than almost all my friends. I was so convinced that I'd be devastated if I wasn't accepted. Yet when I read that not acceptance, I remained rather apathetic. I had simultaneously received texts from many of my friends telling me they were rejected. And without the idea of them at Stanford with me, my glorious dream school had lost its appeal. I gave up on Stanford then and there. No tears, no yelling, no suicidal thoughts.

Sure, I learned a lot of cliche things from applying to college. I learned to write like a beast, I really got to know myself, and I set an example of hard work and determination. But beyond that, I really learned that it doesn't matter where you go to college. Honestly, I probably won't end up at Stanford. And I'm okay with that. Because today Emma and I decided to apply to colleges together. I added Yale and Vanderbilt to my list, she added Duke to hers. We are both already applying to Columbia and Dartmouth and Princeton. This is weird and spontaneous, and far from practical, but I really feel like this is what I need in college. I don't need a "special college." I don't need a warm climate, or $55,000 a year tuition. I just need to experience whatever I experience, with a new friend.

After all these months of imagining myself at Stanford with my new friends, I realized it wasn't Stanford that I just LOVED, it was my friends! It's weird, but this amazing group of people really has changed my life- the decision I make in April will shape the rest of my life, and all of them have been a gigantic part in that. They've opened my eyes to see that there is more than one "perfect match" for everyone. For me, that match will be wherever my friends are.

Honestly, if Stanford decides to accept me in the spring, I may very well say no. A school who would deny so many awe-inspiring applicants isn't the school for me. So goodbye, Stanford dreams. And hello, happy life.





***EDIT*** I feel like I HAVE  to mention how fortunate I am to have the friends I do. I've had a ridiculous amount of people talk to me through tonight and really inspire me.
***DOUBLE EDIT*** So the title of this blog said deferred was an adjective. At least that's what the dictionary said. But the more I think about it, the more I am convinced it's actually a verb. So I'm just going to take that part out. Embarrassing.
***NOTE*** So two months later, I came back and read this and realized how silly a lot of it sounds. No, I am not going to go to a school just because my friends go there. But at that time it was what I needed to be thinking to keep me sane. So instead of editing the post I'm just going to leave this note: This post is an immediate reaction to my deferment and nothing else. Read it with the situation in mind. I was very upset and very emotional.